The Freshman Guide To Safely Walking The Lower School Hallway

This Week: Safely Walking The Lower School Hallway

By freshman emeriti Ethan Sterenfeld ’16 and Michael Schwartz ’98

1)   If you see a runny-nosed child walking toward you, stay perfectly still. Children sometimes sneeze when startled, and a single spray is capable of killing dozens of adults’ spring break plans.

2)   Even if insects fascinate you and the child asking is really cute, always answer, “No thank you, I’d rather not see your lice.”

3)   Be sure to boil your hands in iodine after touching anything.

4)   (If you carried any food through the Lower School hallway and still plan on eating it, it’s not a bad idea to boil that too. Remember to use fresh iodine.)

5)   That hallway runs through the oldest part of school and, for all its character and charm, does lack some modern comforts. Just stay hydrated, wear layers and odds are your heatstroke or hypothermia will be mild.

6)   Have you ever seen the running of the bulls? How guys jump and dive and just hang on to whatever they can and pray they survive? Do that if you’re anywhere near the doors when recess starts.

7)   Nobody loves historical reenactment more than teenage girls. If you happen to see a group of four or five abreast doing a superb Roman phalanx impression, don’t be a barbarian hero. Turn around and go the long way.

8)   Mrs. Simonds will visit her wrath upon anyone in the hallway running or wearing an untucked shirt. But if you just kneel down and blend in with some passing kindergarteners, she’ll be none the wiser.*

9)   Just keep moving forward toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

* — By guest freshman and Head of Lower School Christina Simonds, who knows all about the blending-in-with-the-kindergarteners trick and isn’t falling for that again.